Great Suggestions for Fathers with Daughters
A friend of mine sent me an email she got that contained the following. I think I’ll have to employ a few of these techniques. Enjoy!
When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend’s father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter’s chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.
Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter’s suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they’ll stay wilted all night.
“So,” I’ll call out jovially. “I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you’re stupid or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?”
As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.
RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you had better be delivering a package, because you’re sure as heck not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big and I will not object. However, in order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.
Rule Four: I’m sure you have been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.
Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like washing in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter. Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts or anything other than overalls, a sweater and a goose down parka zipped up to her Adam’s apple. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies, which feature chain saws, are okay. Hockey games are okay.
My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I’d be embarrassed too–there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I’d have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn’t remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate–ink washes off-and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.
One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter’s would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car and go up to knock on the front door. (He had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. “Don’t you remember being that age?” She challenged.
Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?
PERMIT FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete statement of job history, lineage and current medical report from your doctor.
1. NAME: ___________________ DATE OF BIRTH: _________________
2. HEIGHT: _________ WEIGHT: ___________ IQ: _____ GPA: _______
3. SOCIAL SECURITY #: ______________ DRIVERS LICENSE #: _____
4. BOY SCOUT RANK: _________________________________________
5. HOME ADDRESS: ______________ CITY/STATE: ________ ZIP: ____
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? ____________
7. Number of years parents married: ________________________
8. Do you own a van? ____ A truck w/oversized tires? ______ Water bed? ____ Do you have an earring, nose ring or belly button ring? ____ Tattoo? _____ (IF YES TO ANY OF #8, DISCONTINUE AND LEAVE PREMISES!)
9. In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you? ________________________________________
10. In 50 words or less, what does €œDON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER€ mean to you? ______________
11. In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you? ________________________________
12. Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely – all answers confidential. (That means I won’t tell anyone ever – promise).
A. If I was shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is in the _________.
B. If I was beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ______________.
C. A woman’s place is in the ______________.
D. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is _________________.
13. What do you want to be IF you grow up? _______________.
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
Signature (that means sign your name moron)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write.
That’s why I need to have a son now. That way he can beat up all of the guys under 18 and I can maim all the ones over 18. Actually, maybe I need to have 4 or 5 sons and they can be her entourage.